So, I didn't realize that it had been two years I've been on here until just now, even though it was only two days ago...
But anyway, I figured it was time to update anyway, considering I haven't in almost two months. Sheesh, a bunch of twos, huh? lol.

The rest of this is just a rant, something I've really been wanting to get out of my system. (I've found this new method to dissect thoughts. Get pencil and paper and the first thing that popps in your head, you write it, no matter what it is. The words can be repeated over and over but it still has meaning to how much you think about it. It can be people, feelings, random things, homework for school, anything, that pops in your mind. Don't rush to write it down, just write what you remember for the moment, because the human mind cannot fix to just one thing, it wanders, which makes you think and focus on many different things at once. Doing this method really clears my head more than anything, and sometimes I find great phrases or inspiration for stories or drawings or poetry.)

These past few days I've been feeling different. About everything. Sometimes, have you ever wondered how much better you would feel if you didn't have the weight of the past on your shoulders? Don't you wonder what it's like to have that lingering feeling of regret or depression or whatever it is go away and never think to cross your mind again? Don't you hate it when you feel perfectly happy and then something captures your attention once again when you know it shouldn't and it makes you doubt why you're so happy? Why do those things hang in your mind? Why won't they leave you alone? Why can't you forget them? Why does it make you want to break down right where you are and regret how everything has been going on in the past few months? Don't you absolutely HATE that "Why did this have to happen to me, OF ALL PEOPLE??" feeling? I sure do. Why do past regrets linger in my head? Why can't I forget about it all no matter how many times I've tried? Why can't I hate it? Why does it make me just want to forget it all when I loved every minute of the moment? Why, after years, is this feeling so strong? Why does it haunt me everywhere I go? Why won't it just leave me alone? Why do some of the simplest things make you think so deeply about the past?

Why does his face haunt me everywhere I go?
Why can't I forget?
Why is his voice the most relaxing sound I've ever heard?
Why is this feeling so strong?
Why do I see traits of him in every book, movie, picture, or dream?
Why him?
What is going on with me?
Is this why I gave up trying to fall in love?
Is this why I chose to give up the fact that love really exists?

I'm so sick of remembering everything all of this at least once a month. It ALWAYS happens right after I have a really good time, and all of this didn't start until Sunday. Saturday, I had an amazing day. As a result, this comes to mind. And everytime, I always have one night where sleeping becomes so hard that my mind wanders and when it does at night, every little subject is emphasized greatly and has more meaning and I begin to think way too philosophically.

It's been over a year. Why are emotions still so flared and heated?



[I must confess that I feel like a monster.]